I’m stuck at a car wash with a creepy old man asking if I want to have an affair.

Thanks, Obama.

menfuckingsuck:

SENATOR LETICIA VAN DE PUTTE

(via parksandshrek-deactivated201404)

I’m so sorry for offending you with my Jew jokes and my existence. I’m ganna go cry now.

Actually, I don’t give a fuck.  Not even a half.  Or a fourth.  Or an eighth.  I just dont care.

Anyway, I have purchased a domain and will soon be busy with that.  

cvnyonrot-deactivated20130716 asked:
dipped your arm in the pizza sauce? (i see the dough trays back there ;) haha)

My period blood is the secret ingredient to the sauce.

Mom I kno I’m gay but I don’t want to talk about makeup.

so won tyme, der wuz dis gurl.
she wuz so pritty.
I wuz in lve wit hur n I thnk she luvd me
she wuz sittin in da hozpitalz bc she had a tumor
I tld her ‘iloveu frever’
she sed “whateva” n I cri
so I keel myslf. grl dies frm tumor.
we see ech otha in brtny sprs’ uterus whch is actully heven
she say “I ment 2 say ‘5eva’ I love u 5eva;
n den I juz cri so hardd

  • Teacher: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
  • Me: Jesus
  • Then, wtf did u eat?